Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

[RadioDaze]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The
amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and
harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after
being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and
help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my
family, doesn't constantly play with silly radios, and is faithful. That is what I
wish for ... a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see
that map again."

[RadioDaze]

As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House,
he has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary
Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir"

[RadioDaze]

White House Health Update:

It was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there
was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his
angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that men
do not have anginas.

The president was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has
acute angina.

[russellmaher]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader .

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,

"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

" DON'T SELL THAT COW."

[Jimru]

Originally Posted by RadioDaze

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub."

Hey RD, the Port Authority cops arrested the guy in the trench coat, but they had to let him go due to insufficient evidence!

[russellmaher]

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as


PINO MORE

[b7spectra]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy!'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll think about it,' I said.

Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[CapStar362]

heh, good one

[russellmaher]

Oh yeah, those bartenders have a ton of useful tips! They know how to comfort you in times of stress and their advice is usually straight forward. Support your local barkeep!

Russell

[barry008]

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[Jimru]

Back in the day, "homeless" guys were called "winos", in my nabe' in the Upper West Side of New York City where I grew up. This was in the mid Sixties.

There was one wino called "Big John", and he was rather enterprising compared to the competition; he used signs made from corrugated cardboard that he scrounged and he used a Magic Marker to make up some rather amusing advertisements for himself.

One of the signs indicated that he was, in fact NOT a wino, but instead a "Wine Connoisseur"! Another, that he was "Saving up for a Mercedes-Benz".

[b7spectra]

Homeless people here are now being referred to as "Urban Outdoorsmen".

[Jimru]

Originally Posted by b7spectra

Homeless people here are now being referred to as "Urban Outdoorsmen".

Kinda like garbage collectors referring to themselves as "sanitation engineers"!

[gr8rcall]

A guy made a thread in a forum titled "Please don't view this thread."
By the end of the week it had 10,000 views!

[RDGDigital]

After being locked in his house for five years with his three wives it's now being reported that Osama Bin Laden called the Navy Seals on himself.

[Jimru]

Originally Posted by RDGDigital

After being locked in his house for five years with his three wives it's now being reported that Osama Bin Laden called the Navy Seals on himself.

Funny idea!

[barry008]

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

[barry008]

> I knew it, I knew it!!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 3% Vitamin E
> 2% Aspirin
> 2% Ibuprofen
> 1% Vitamin C
> 5% Spray Starch
> 87% Fix-A-Flat >

[Jimru]

Originally Posted by barry008

> I knew it, I knew it!!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 3% Vitamin E
> 2% Aspirin
> 2% Ibuprofen
> 1% Vitamin C
> 5% Spray Starch
> 87% Fix-A-Flat >

100% funny!

[barry008]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story..)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *** and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.