Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

[b7spectra]

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

[searingxheretic]

Two blondes walk into a bar. The brunette ducked.

Sent from my cm_tenderloin using Xparent Cyan Tapatalk 2

[b7spectra]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[b7spectra]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[b7spectra]

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together; half of the little bastards don't work; and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

[K6ARL]

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and proceeded to ask him the following questions.

"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean what are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No she white."

"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."

"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read... it say
---Polish remover---


73s
Karl

[b7spectra]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[russellmaher]

An Italian man was leaving a cafe with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[b7spectra]

Q. Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
A. Because Italians hate all witnesses.

[russellmaher]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What .. You coming empty handed?"

[OsloViking1975]

Senior Citizen Texting Code

1. ATD- At the Doors 2.BFF- Best Friend Fell 3. BTW- Bring the Wheelchair 4. BYOT- Bring your own teeth

5.FWIW- Forgot Where I Was 6.GGPBL- Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low 7.GHA- Got Heartburn Again

8. IMHO- Is My Hearing Aid On 9. OMMR- ON My Massage Recliner 10. OMSG- Oh My! Sorry Gas

11. ROFLACGU- Rolling on Floor And Can't Get Up 12.TTYL- Talk To You Louder.

[b7spectra]

Q. Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
A. On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.

[b7spectra]

Q. How do you know you're Italian?
A. When you can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

[b7spectra]

Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New Jersey and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Jersey Guys," the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say....'I wish that a-hole would've tried that sh*t with me!'

[russellmaher]

A man staggered into a hospital

with a concussion,

multiple bruises, two black eyes,

and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.



Naturally the doctor asked him,

'What happened to you?'



'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf

with my wife,

when at a difficult hole,

we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'



We went to look for them and

while I was looking around

I noticed one of

the cows had something

white at its rear end.'



'I walked over, lifted its tail,

and sure enough, there was a golf ball

with my wife's monogram on it -

stuck right in the middle of the cow's

butt.'



Still holding the cow's tail up,

I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks

like yours!'



'I don't remember much after that

[b7spectra]

The Government has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Welfare.

Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English only.

[russellmaher]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

[b7spectra]

I told a blond girl, in the bar, about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

[RadioDaze]

This thread needs a laugh track. These are some of the funniest jokes I've ever heard.

[RadioDaze]

And in honor of that, if you have a little time to spare, here is the history of the world's funniest joke:
Monty Python Killer Joke - YouTube

Disclaimer: RadioDaze and its affiliates will not be held liable for any injuries or deaths resulting from improper use of the enclosed joke, including the actual listening thereof. So there.