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Everything else Wow, you made it this far and still not sure? Oh well, post it here anyway

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  #621 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2012, 5:04 PM
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RD,

I haven't seen that bit since the 70's, thanks!
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Old 12-03-2012, 7:32 PM
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A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a boat, rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts,

"Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,

"We are invading the United States of America!"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks,

"Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,

"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

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Old 12-04-2012, 11:25 AM
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One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
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Old 12-04-2012, 7:58 PM
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Which reminds me of old Melvin Epstein, who, on his 90th birthday was sent a voluptuous call girl by his buddies.

She knocks on the door of his room in the assisted living facility and purrs: "I'm going to give you super sex!"

Opening the door, he pauses for a moment and says;

"I'll take the soup."
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Old 12-04-2012, 8:55 PM
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You're An EXTREME Redneck When......

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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Old 12-06-2012, 1:05 PM
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There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said,


"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:01 PM
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After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.

They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note. George Bush chuckled and replied---"you're holding it upside down"!
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:26 AM
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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that
I can have sex at 79. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
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Old 12-21-2012, 2:41 PM
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The
wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and thisyoung lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

The husband took a quick breath and continued –

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't
use?
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Old 12-29-2012, 10:33 PM
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Default Out of the mouth of babes comes...

...Oatmeal!
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Old 12-30-2012, 2:00 PM
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.....a cheese Danish!
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Old 12-30-2012, 3:12 PM
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...their thumbs!
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Old 12-30-2012, 4:14 PM
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The cuss words momma says!
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Old 12-30-2012, 11:59 PM
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Now, if by babes you mean hot women, then this could take a whole new direction...
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Old 01-23-2013, 1:19 PM
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Standing in line at the coffee shop this morning, I looked to my left at the young woman in the next line wearing a pink sweatshirt that in large letters had the word "GUESS" across the chest.

So I thought for a moment then said to her, "IMPLANTS??"

Then she hit me!

I give up!!


Russell
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:01 PM
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really, says the seller, 'Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)
and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table. After that, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'
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Old 01-24-2013, 1:41 AM
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Epic!
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Old 01-24-2013, 7:31 PM
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?


Ask your mother.
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Old 01-26-2013, 6:32 PM
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Cameron , Louisiana . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a woman a drink?” The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, ol' Duplechin was cockeyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady another drink?”
Once again, the same Duplechin slapped his money down on the bar and said,“Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the Dupelechin and said, “Tell me, Dupe, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
The Duplechin replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
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Old 01-27-2013, 1:33 AM
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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