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  #641 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2013, 10:12 PM
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A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the the middle.
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Old 01-29-2013, 12:35 AM
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Oh man Mike, that blew me away!!! Thank you for waking up a dead man this morning.lol

Mule Trading


Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998." The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
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Old 01-31-2013, 2:31 AM
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Barack & Michelle Obama are at the White Sox game, sitting in the 1st row with the Secret Service directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward & says something to the President.

Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, & shakes his head "no" violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar & the seat of her pants, & throws her right over the wall into the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, & screaming. The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, & high-fiving.

Barack is bowing & smiling, & leans over to the agent & says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first "PITCH!"
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Old 01-31-2013, 12:25 PM
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Very funny!

Although, really, it's not that believable. Seriously, there's no way that beanpole of a man is going to pick up THAT woman without a LOT of assistance.
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Old 01-31-2013, 2:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kasmus View Post
b7spectra likes racist jokes. Nice.
Oh, i dunno about that......i am a Black guy and Dude's got me screaming laughing.

I mean, he's not using slurs or anything like that.
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Old 02-01-2013, 1:14 PM
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A Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple sleeping. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'
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Old 02-01-2013, 3:35 PM
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One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying
by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it
in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a
beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had
tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
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Old 02-03-2013, 9:12 PM
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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's bootie?

A mechanic.
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Old 02-09-2013, 4:57 PM
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THE MEDIUM
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.
Prepare yourself to be a widow...
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death, this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know...

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke...
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Old 02-11-2013, 2:06 AM
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Default What is the smallest caliber hand gun you can use against a charging bear?

I remember one time my wife and I were walking in the Alaskan outback when out of no where, a huge brown bear came charging at us, and was she mad! I figured we must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if it hadn't been for my .22 pistol, I might not be here today!

Just one shot to my wife's knee cap is all it took.....the bear got her and I got away at a brisk pace.

It is one of the best pistols in my collection!
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Old 02-12-2013, 2:34 PM
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Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
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Old 02-13-2013, 1:05 AM
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the crap out of this idiot at a party.


In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:03 AM
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a pee."
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Old 02-14-2013, 2:25 AM
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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?



ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own bike, and wanted to go home!
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Old 02-15-2013, 2:28 AM
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh.... Bob, are you in Heaven?"

"No......... I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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Old 02-17-2013, 10:45 PM
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What is the biggest problem for an atheist?





No one to talk to during orgasm.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:42 PM
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Give this test to all those "smart" people you know!


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Old 02-20-2013, 11:43 PM
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Cool Late Again

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "This pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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Old 02-23-2013, 12:00 AM
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THE TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Old 02-24-2013, 5:31 PM
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when
the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was,
and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it
with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in
the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it
in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the
smell?" "Just hold its little nose." The man is expected to recover, but
the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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