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  #661 (permalink)  
Old 02-24-2013, 4:37 PM
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Several women shared an apartment and didn't get along. Eventually, they ended up in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest plaintiff first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
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Old 02-26-2013, 12:09 AM
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?





Ask your mother.
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Old 02-28-2013, 1:02 PM
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer .... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
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Old 02-28-2013, 1:36 PM
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Old 03-03-2013, 10:58 PM
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A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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Old 03-04-2013, 12:09 AM
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What do they call couples that use the "rhythm method'?


Parents!
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Old 03-06-2013, 12:11 PM
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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her

pupils put on his boots?



He asked for help and she could see why.



Even with her pulling, and him pushing,

the little boots still didn't want to go on.



By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.



She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'



She looked, and sure
enough, they were.



Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off,

than it was putting them on.



She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,

this time on the correct feet.



He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'



She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and

scream, 'Why
didn't you say
so?' like she wanted to.



Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting

boots off his little feet.



No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'



Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.



But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to

wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.



Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'



He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the
toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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Old 03-06-2013, 12:32 PM
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A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my
gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all
my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"
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Old 03-06-2013, 11:20 PM
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Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan!
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Old 03-08-2013, 8:59 AM
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Obama went jogging: But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Obama.
This ritual between Barack and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Obama realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Michelle would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the First Lady. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Barack became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Barack tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!?"
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:06 AM
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One sunny summer morning a father is in the back yard trying to teach his young son how to fly a kite. He isn't having much luck, no matter what they do the kite will only go up a little bit before it does a nose dive into the ground. Mom is watching from the kitchen window and decides to offer some advice as she was quite the accomplished kite flyer as a young girl. She steps outside the back door and yells out that to dad that he needs more tail, Dad calls back to say, "make up your mind woman, last night you told me to go fly a kite.
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Old 03-15-2013, 12:05 PM
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Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of

Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home
for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and
tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to
get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this
religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was
buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply
can't take that risk!"
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Old 03-15-2013, 3:51 PM
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This Muslim dude was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
So I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
That was when the trouble started.
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Old 03-16-2013, 9:57 PM
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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Old 03-19-2013, 3:09 PM
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Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
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Old 03-23-2013, 12:57 AM
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For those who haven't heard, Washington State has recently passed laws legalizing gay marriage and marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because:

Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
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Old 03-25-2013, 8:34 PM
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Politically incorrect?

I'd just come out of the store with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “'I wish I had your will power.”


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Jamaicans" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually.”


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any Change?” I said, “Nope, you’re still black.”


Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, “fat chance,” with a face like that!


A 10 year old Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asked. “What's wrong, lad?” The boy said, “Me ma died this morning.” The man says, “Oh bejaysus! Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?” The boy replied, “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself.... “I’m going to take that.”


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back, “You're in that basket, you dumb bastard.”


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair?” Fiji was the correct answer... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:16 PM
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Sounds like a modern-day Rodney Dangerfield set!
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Old 03-27-2013, 3:22 PM
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"I went to a child psychiatrist; the kid didn't help me a bit!"

Rodney was the best!
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:16 PM
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One guy says to his buddy: "What is a dilemma, actually?"

The buddy replied: "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that."

"Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
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