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  #741 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2013, 12:18 AM
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Old 07-22-2013, 8:37 AM
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REMEMBER WHEN RONALD REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT, WE ALSO HAD -- BOB HOPE, JOHNNY CASH and STEVE JOBS!! WE NOW HAVE NO HOPE, NO CASH and NO JOBS
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Old 07-22-2013, 7:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rafdav View Post
REMEMBER WHEN RONALD REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT, WE ALSO HAD -- BOB HOPE, JOHNNY CASH and STEVE JOBS!! WE NOW HAVE NO HOPE, NO CASH and NO JOBS
Did you make that one up, Raf? Very clever!
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Old 07-22-2013, 9:51 PM
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That's an oldie.
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Old 07-24-2013, 7:28 AM
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"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un' on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids! "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!" "Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
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Old 07-24-2013, 8:52 AM
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Now, I reckon that's a purdy funny joke there!
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:01 PM
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An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."
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Old 08-01-2013, 9:46 AM
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John and Margaret were celebrating 50 years together.. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all
together today."

Son number two arrived and announced,"You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but
my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't
have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,"There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.Throughout
the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father."And cheap ones too."
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Old 08-11-2013, 4:26 PM
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.


And The Number 1 Thought
- - - as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."
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  #750 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2013, 4:54 PM
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Apparently, Life is the greatest teacher of all things. Unfortunately, all of the students die.
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Old 08-13-2013, 10:26 PM
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Montana Cowboys, gotta love 'em...

An 80-year-old rancher from Montana goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish" says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well."
"Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my Father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old cowboy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Montana rancher and he hunts and fishes too!"
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?"
"He's 118 years old," says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"
"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to...?
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Old 08-16-2013, 9:58 PM
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Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!
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Old 08-17-2013, 2:56 AM
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Old 08-19-2013, 8:52 AM
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A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly
Squandered all his money .... He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education Is developing! They actually have a program here at A&M That will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue In that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, The money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach The animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue In that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father Is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read Something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday Morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was In the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Democrat Congressman.
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Old 08-21-2013, 12:16 PM
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Default 7 Degrees of Blondeness

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks
familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her
the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds
him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!'


EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up
with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.

"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
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Old 08-21-2013, 9:09 PM
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little ***** is adorable.
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Old 08-21-2013, 10:26 PM
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Old 08-28-2013, 1:53 PM
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A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there,
he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology
and all we did was correct his eyesight."
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Old 08-28-2013, 3:04 PM
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Mrs. Maynard must have been traffic stoppin' ugly!
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Old 08-28-2013, 3:55 PM
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I think Flip Wilson would have said "she looked like she got hit in the face with a bag of nickels!"
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