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  #821 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2013, 2:42 AM
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I just cam from a bar and it was funny seeing my cousin lose at pool. LOL!
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  #822 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2013, 7:37 AM
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Poltergiesty walks into a bar....

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  #823 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2013, 9:35 AM
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The bear and the bunny are out in the woods, taking a dump. The bear looks over at the bunny and asks, "Do you mind getting poop on your fur?" to which the bunny replied, "No, not really." So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his @$$ with it!
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  #824 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2013, 7:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeepinjeepin View Post
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?".
Leave Sarah Jessica Parker out of this!
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Old 09-28-2013, 7:58 PM
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Yo mama is so ugly, she makes blind people cry!

Yo mama is so ugly that her birth certificate contained an apology letter from the condom factory.
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  #826 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2013, 8:17 PM
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Yo mama is so fat that the highway patrol made her wear a sign saying "Caution! Wide Turn".

Yo mama is so fat that even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
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  #827 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2013, 8:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by b7spectra View Post
Leave Sarah Jessica Parker out of this!
Or is that Carly Simon?
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Old 10-02-2013, 7:47 PM
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Hear about the cowboy who bought a dachshund?



He wanted to "Get A Long Little Doggie!"
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  #829 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2013, 12:52 AM
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You just might be a Redneck if:

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
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  #830 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2013, 4:18 PM
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A drunk is brought before the judge, for disorderly conduct.

Judge: "Young man, where do you live?"
Drunk: "Y'know, here and there."
Judge: "What do you do for a living?"
Drunk: "Y'know, this and that."


The judge, now annoyed, says to the bailiff, "Take him away!"

The drunk stammers, "Judge, when will I get out?"

The judge says, "Sooner or later!"
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  #831 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2013, 9:49 PM
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TWERK - A Southern Term:

Yeah, I think I'll have a couple beers before I have to go twerk!
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  #832 (permalink)  
Old 10-08-2013, 9:54 PM
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Good one, but shouldn't it be "...before I go twerk."?

As a true southerner I know I've said "ta'werk" in similar context.
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  #833 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2013, 8:33 AM
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obamacrat."

"I am,"replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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  #834 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2013, 9:56 AM
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Q: What do Republicans and porn stars have in common?

A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.
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  #835 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2013, 8:43 PM
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Got me a new truck!

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs..

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, '*** Holes!'

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!
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  #836 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2013, 11:21 PM
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Little johnny was out trick or treating dressed like a pirate and rang the door bell. I asked "where are your buckenner's"? he said under my bucking hat.
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  #837 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2013, 11:22 PM
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck in his groin section
Bartender asks why he has the steering wheel there, tho which the pirate replies

"aarrrrgh, it's driving me nuts"
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Old 10-09-2013, 11:24 PM
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Pirate walks into a bar and sees a nice looking blonde and says, bend over, laddie; I'll show you the captain's log.
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  #839 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2013, 11:26 PM
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts!

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice scream!

Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough!

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!

What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
Lazy Bones!

What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern?
Plumpkin!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers!

Why don't ghosts like parties?
They have no body to dance with!

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Franklinstein!

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray!

What was the favorite game at the ghosts' birthday party?
Hide and shriek!

What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Trick or tweet!

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body!

What's the first thing ghosts do when they get in a car?
Buckle their sheet-belts!

Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoulfriend!
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  #840 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2013, 12:33 AM
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I don't curse, don't smoke and don't gambl--GOD ... ..., I LEFT MY CIGARETTES AT THE ... CASINO!
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