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  #841 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2013, 8:39 AM
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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Old 10-10-2013, 10:01 AM
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God,
and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."The entire congregation said, "Amen."


Gotta love those senior citizens !
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  #843 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2013, 11:18 AM
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Courtesy of my friend, N2PSR,

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english:
Please enjoy and understand the following:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas-station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-thru bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One good thing about egoist: they don't talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
30. WHy is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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  #844 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2013, 11:34 AM
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Definitely some things to think about there!
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  #845 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2013, 6:04 PM
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Reminds me of George Carlin's logic.
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Old 10-11-2013, 10:36 PM
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Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God;
your president is an idiot!
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Old 10-12-2013, 11:40 AM
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Old 10-19-2013, 9:49 AM
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I had a stroke and was paralyzed, so I went to a limb specialist for therapy. The therapy worked, but he charged me an arm and a leg.
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Old 10-20-2013, 6:43 AM
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597 pound man goes to the doctor. Doctor says he has flesh eating disease. Man is heartbroken. Ask how much time he has. Doc says about 3 years.
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Old 10-20-2013, 8:43 AM
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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pains.

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”

Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober."
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:50 PM
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A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".

The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?"
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:53 PM
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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
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Old 10-20-2013, 10:56 PM
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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy “I don’t know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy ‘s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Nancy spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” The old priest continued...


“He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”
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Old 10-20-2013, 11:06 PM
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Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.



Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.


A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
“Ten dollars?” she said. “It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here’s a hundred – go bury 10 of them!”


Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.


Q: What is foreplay for a Democrat?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.


Q: What the difference between a Democrat and the rear end of a donkey?
A: I don’t know either.
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  #855 (permalink)  
Old 10-21-2013, 12:52 AM
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Q: What's the biggest problem with the idea of intelligent design?

A: It doesn't explain why staunch conservatives are made.
************************************************** **********
Q: Why won't Sarah Palin's favorite book be made into a movie?

A: She wants Waldo to play himself, but she just can't find him.
************************************************** ***********
Q: How many staunch conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 3. One to hire a mexican to do it and 2 to deport him when he's done.

Q: How many staunch conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 200. 10 to hold the lightbulb against the sun and 190 to make the sun revolve around the earth.

Q: How many staunch conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Change is evil and the lightbulb should be left alone.
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Old 10-22-2013, 12:22 AM
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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
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  #857 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2013, 10:46 AM
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According to Professor Emil Heisseluft, a Senior Research Analyst at the prestigious Lauton Institute located in Grossmaul-an der Donau, Austria; the "Staunch Conservative" is, in fact, the "missing link" between Austrians and human beings!
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:50 AM
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When did the Joke corner turn into political slamming? The puppy joke with the closed/open eyes punch line and similar others are funny in like company, but this is starting to get old. I want jokes.
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:47 AM
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Jeep, you are right.

I will stick to non-political humor here on out!
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Old 10-22-2013, 2:50 PM
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I won't!

Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
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