• Effective immediately we will be deleting, without notice, any negative threads or posts that deal with the use of encryption and streaming of scanner audio.

    We've noticed a huge increase in rants and negative posts that revolve around agencies going to encryption due to the broadcasting of scanner audio on the internet. It's now worn out and continues to be the same recycled rants. These rants hijack the threads and derail the conversation. They no longer have a place anywhere on this forum other than in the designated threads in the Rants forum in the Tavern.

    If you violate these guidelines your post will be deleted without notice and an infraction will be issued. We are not against discussion of this issue. You just need to do it in the right place. For example:
    https://forums.radioreference.com/rants/224104-official-thread-live-audio-feeds-scanners-wait-encryption.html

Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

AB4BF

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#21
A burglar breaks into a secluded and dark house. Being very quiet, he turns on his flashlight and starts looking around. A voice says "Jesus is watching you!" He quickly turns the light off and listens. After several minutes he switches the light back on and starts surveying the room for valuables. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice says again. Quickly pointing the light to the opposite corner of the room he sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you just say that?" asks the burglar. "Yes, I did" said the parrot. "What's your name?" asks the burglar. "Moses" said the parrot. "Who would name their parrot 'Moses'?" asked the burglar. The parrot replies"The same people that named their Rotweiler 'Jesus'!"
 

AB4BF

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#22
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them
was brought about by a recent televised documentary demonstrating how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without the use of proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of the latest high tech equipment. As most races are won or lost in the pits, It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. In the new crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt,Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
 

AB4BF

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#23
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullcrappin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
 

AB4BF

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#24
This pirate went to his new doctor and upon seeing the old salt, the doctor said, "Hey, I haven't seen you before. What happened? You look terrible."


"Arrrr...What do you mean, sonny boy?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg?"

"Aye...We was in a battle see, and I got grazed by a cannon ball and the leg turned black with gangrene, so them boogers had to chop me leg off! but I'm fine now."

"OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"Aye... We was In another battle, see... I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was badly slashed and bleeding. It couldn't be saved so they chopped me hand off and I got fitted with a hook. But now, I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Well, it's like this me boy.... We had just set out to sea one day and I was enjoying a sunny day in the crow's nest. I was watching a flock of birds as they flew overhead, and one of them pooped in me eye."


"You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird poop?"


"Arrrr..., it was me first day with me hook."
 
Joined
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Messages
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coastal/eastern Monmouth NJ
#25
a penguin is happily driving down the road when his car start's making funny noise's. he drive's to a service station. the mechanic tell's him to leave the car to be checked. the penguin goes across the street and buy's a soft serve. he eat's it, and get's it all over his face. penguin return's to the service station, and say's to the mechanic "so what's wrong with my car ?". the mechanic say's "look's like you blew a seal".
the penguin say's "no, it's just vanilla ice creram".
 
Last edited:

b7spectra

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#27
A tough looking, macho biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she gives him a deep, long romantic kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 

b7spectra

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#29
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good-looking, older retired guy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try-out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired guy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
 

b7spectra

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#31
A drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up. "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
 

b7spectra

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#33
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 

b7spectra

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#35
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 

b7spectra

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#37
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
 
Joined
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Messages
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coastal/eastern Monmouth NJ
#39
bob the alcoholic come's home from the bar drunk again. his wife is fed up with him, and start's yelling.
the very next night bob goes to the bar. he's telling his buddy the story, and getting drunker and drunker.
all of the sudden bob puke's all over his shirt. his friend say's "i have a great idea. take a $20 bill and stuff it in your shirt. when your wife ask's what happened, tell her you were talking to a guy at the bar and he barfed all over you. he gave you the $20 to cover the dry cleaning". bob goes home. the mrs. is listening to the story. bob goes thru the entire bit. he pull's 2 $20's out of his pocket. say's to the wife " the other $20 is from some guy that crapped my underwear".
 

b7spectra

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#40
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please..'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
 
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