• Effective immediately we will be deleting, without notice, any negative threads or posts that deal with the use of encryption and streaming of scanner audio.

    We've noticed a huge increase in rants and negative posts that revolve around agencies going to encryption due to the broadcasting of scanner audio on the internet. It's now worn out and continues to be the same recycled rants. These rants hijack the threads and derail the conversation. They no longer have a place anywhere on this forum other than in the designated threads in the Rants forum in the Tavern.

    If you violate these guidelines your post will be deleted without notice and an infraction will be issued. We are not against discussion of this issue. You just need to do it in the right place. For example:
    https://forums.radioreference.com/rants/224104-official-thread-live-audio-feeds-scanners-wait-encryption.html

Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

b7spectra

EMS Dispatcher
Joined
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Messages
3,140
Location
Cobb County, GA
#42
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get “Horned“ before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

“Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"
 
Joined
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Messages
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#44
Clean Only ..? LOL

A man was walking along the beach one night when he had a hot looking woman walk up and ask if he wanted to have a good time? The man said, "Sure but how much will it cost me?" she tells him it would be $20 and he agrees and proceeds to take her under the boardwalk, makes passionate love to her, hands her the cash and leaves. The next night he was again walking down the beach when the same chic asks if he would like to have round two? The man said, "Sure but how much will it cost me?" she tells him it would be the same $20, so they head back under the boardwalk and he really gave it to her good. Just before he was finished, she lets out with a bull horn fart that rattled the boardwalk! He jumps up and hands her $25 and starts to leave, she then asks what the extra $5 was about and he turns to say, "That's for blowing the sand off my ballzz!!!";)
 

b7spectra

EMS Dispatcher
Joined
Jul 8, 2002
Messages
3,140
Location
Cobb County, GA
#45
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
 

b7spectra

EMS Dispatcher
Joined
Jul 8, 2002
Messages
3,140
Location
Cobb County, GA
#46
Last night my daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, stop paying my college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad, and jewelry and give them to charity. Sell my car and take my front door key and throw me out of the house."

Well, she didn't actually put it like that. She said, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed.
 
Joined
Apr 13, 2010
Messages
982
Location
Enfield, CT
#48
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee…. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.
 
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Messages
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RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
#49
A blond, brunette, and a redhead are swimming at a pool, they decide to race and say," whoever gets to the other side using the breaststroke, the fastest wins." The redhead goes first while the brunette and the blond are waiting at the end of the pool. The redhead swims as fast as she can to the other side in about 2 minutes. As she gets out of the water the blond says to her, "Like, I'm sorry, but I think you used your hands and legs."
 
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
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Location
RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
#51
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess ... . . . . Smallcox?"
 
Last edited:
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
3,715
Location
RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
#52
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
 
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
3,715
Location
RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
#53
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
 

b7spectra

EMS Dispatcher
Joined
Jul 8, 2002
Messages
3,140
Location
Cobb County, GA
#54
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
 
Joined
Apr 13, 2010
Messages
982
Location
Enfield, CT
#55
A precious little Texas girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,
"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
leans forward and says;

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
Joined
Apr 13, 2010
Messages
982
Location
Enfield, CT
#56
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again.
 

b7spectra

EMS Dispatcher
Joined
Jul 8, 2002
Messages
3,140
Location
Cobb County, GA
#58
The 2010 Federal Census For The South
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name:______________________
Lover’s Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196__
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
 

b7spectra

EMS Dispatcher
Joined
Jul 8, 2002
Messages
3,140
Location
Cobb County, GA
#59
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
 
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