• Effective immediately we will be deleting, without notice, any negative threads or posts that deal with the use of encryption and streaming of scanner audio.

    We've noticed a huge increase in rants and negative posts that revolve around agencies going to encryption due to the broadcasting of scanner audio on the internet. It's now worn out and continues to be the same recycled rants. These rants hijack the threads and derail the conversation. They no longer have a place anywhere on this forum other than in the designated threads in the Rants forum in the Tavern.

    If you violate these guidelines your post will be deleted without notice and an infraction will be issued. We are not against discussion of this issue. You just need to do it in the right place. For example:
    https://forums.radioreference.com/rants/224104-official-thread-live-audio-feeds-scanners-wait-encryption.html

Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

Joined
May 7, 2004
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RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention
Long

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
 
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
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RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
‘Damn, damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’
‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
546
A couple is celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. So they decide to take their son, daughter in law and their grandson out for a giant pizza at a pizza restaurant that is mostly built around a large old theater/church type organ. The Grandparents were saying that this is the place where they would go for most of their dates and Grandpa remember when the place built. Naturally, the little boy is curious about the organ so he goes over to look at it while they wait for their pizza. Shortly, he returns to the table and tells Grandma and Grandpa…”You and Grandpa must be about 127 years old!”

Grandma laughs and asks…”Well what makes you say that?” The little boy says…”I just saw a little plaque on the organ that says it was built 101 years ago and Grandpa says he remembers when they built it.”
 
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Jul 28, 2008
Messages
546
65 year old Jim had been driving the same car for 45 years. He took great care of it and it served him well but it was starting to cost more money than the car was worth.

So Jim decided to trade in his old reliable for a brand new car. He loved it though it took some getting used to how much cars have changed over the decades since the last time he bought a new car.

George the 95 year old neighbor as healthy, sharp and spy as can be comes over to have a look at the new car. Jim says…”So what do you think George? How would you like to go for a ride in it?” George says with much glee…”Oh yeah that would be neat.” So they go for a 15 minute ride and George says…”Wow this is some car you have here Jim, really nice here.” Jim says, well thanks George it’s sure is different than my old one though.” George asked how old was the other car. Jim says…”I had it since it was new for 45 years.”

What do you think George says to that which I think is typical for someone that age…”Holy crap that’s not very long!!!”
 

AB4BF

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Apr 13, 2008
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West of North
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys." "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke" "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer." "Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 

AB4BF

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Joined
Apr 13, 2008
Messages
358
Location
West of North
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working bi-partisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty bastard," replied the fairy.
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
546
Two old men visit a tavern that overlooks a large airport about once every 2 weeks or so. The view is great and they can see pretty much the whole airfield. A BOEING 747 taxi’s out from the gate and heads out to the runway to take off. The one man says…”Now that is one beautiful plane. An American classic to be sure. If I had a few billion dollars, I would buy one and fly anywhere I wanted.

How about you would you want to get one of those 747’s if you could afford it?” The other man says…”No, you need close to 2 miles to land and take off one of those. How in the world would I land and take off and park that thing when my drive way is only 40’ long?”
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
546
The owner of a department store was talking to his store manager. The “back to school sale” was a coming up soon and they were very short handed. So the owner said that they either had to ask everybody to work overtime or hire some temporary people but either option is a big pain.

So he flat out asked his manager why they lost 4 people in as many weeks at the worst possible time right before a back to school sale. His manager told him…”Well they all went back to school.”
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
546
Two old men are sitting and talking. The one old man says to his friend…”My grandson sent me a pretty funny cat video the other day. Boy I laughed so hard.”

The other man said…”Yeah that YOUTUBE is pretty good. But we didn’t have YOUTUBE when I was younger. In my day, if we wanted to show the rest of the world our funny cat video’s and vacation pictures, we had to invite them to come over to the house. They would eat all of your popcorn and drink all of your beer then break the toilet. I miss those old days.”
 
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