• Effective immediately we will be deleting, without notice, any negative threads or posts that deal with the use of encryption and streaming of scanner audio.

    We've noticed a huge increase in rants and negative posts that revolve around agencies going to encryption due to the broadcasting of scanner audio on the internet. It's now worn out and continues to be the same recycled rants. These rants hijack the threads and derail the conversation. They no longer have a place anywhere on this forum other than in the designated threads in the Rants forum in the Tavern.

    If you violate these guidelines your post will be deleted without notice and an infraction will be issued. We are not against discussion of this issue. You just need to do it in the right place. For example:
    https://forums.radioreference.com/rants/224104-official-thread-live-audio-feeds-scanners-wait-encryption.html

Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
The Flu Square Dance

Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you've got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot,

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Make your way back to bed
But you crap your pants instead

Leave a crap trail down the hall,
slip in it and take a fall

suddenly you barf some more
as you crash land on the floor

you hear your pants start to rip
then realize you broke a hip

There is no one else at home
So you lay there in the foam

Eight hours later your spouse arrive
She can't believe your still alive
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
The REAL meaning of Women's Comments:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
We need to paint the house = YOU need to paint the house.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = You will pay big time if you do.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You stink and need a shave and shower.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about you pervert?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs full of cottage cheese.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..etc...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
I like to play this game called "Nap Roulette"

It's where I take a nap, but don't set an alarm.

Will it be a 30 minute nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap?
Will I wake up tomorrow? Will I wake up at all?
Nobody knows, and I know it is risky, but I like it
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
The speed in which a woman says "I'm fine"
Is directly proportional to the severity of the
**** storm that is about to follow.
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
Texting Codes for Seniors

ATD- At the Doctors
FBH- Fell Broke Hip
BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
LMT- Lost my Teeth
FWIW- Forgot Where I Was
GHA- Got Heartburn Again
HABD- Hearing Aid Batteries Dead
LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
SMP- **** my Pants
CFC- Can't find Car
FDS- Fell Down Stairs
BF- Bladder Full
FDCC- Fell Down Cracked Cranium
BL- Bladder Leaking
BG- Bowel Gas
 

poltergeisty

Deep Thinker
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
3,808
Location
RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
The Flu Square Dance

Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you've got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot,

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Make your way back to bed
But you crap your pants instead

Leave a crap trail down the hall,
slip in it and take a fall

suddenly you barf some more
as you crash land on the floor

you hear your pants start to rip
then realize you broke a hip

There is no one else at home
So you lay there in the foam

Eight hours later your spouse arrive
She can't believe your still alive

This sounds like a military cadence.
 

CrabbyMilton

Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
562
Someone told me some surprising news the other day. He was visiting southern California and while he had no plans to visit DISNEYLAND anyway, he said that the famous forever theme park is now closed. I couldn’t believe it but he said he was driving on the freeway near DISNEYLAND and there was a sign that said…”DISNEYLAND left”.
 

CrabbyMilton

Member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
562
Frank was taking a walk at a huge mall with 3 levels. The highest level does not have any regular crossover bridges from one side to another. He sees another man walking in the same direction on the other side looking a bit confused. The man yells over to Frank…”Hey, I how I get over to the other side?” Frank says…”You’re already on the other side.”
 

poltergeisty

Deep Thinker
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
3,808
Location
RLG, Fly heading 053, intercept 315 DVV
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."
Long

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."

The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest."

The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the crap out of this rabbit!

The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude!, what the hell!? He was just trying to help you!"

The tiger turns to them and says, "Every time that damn rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the damn forest!"
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
FOR SMOKERS ONLY

One Kool Matinee, Peter Jackson drove to Buckingham in his Belvedere. He picked up Miss Sweet Caporal and they went to visit the Du Maurier and the Rembrant families. Then he drove her home like a good Sportsman. It was near the Old Port and she had Room No. 7. They went inside and they sat on the Chesterfield. After a few minutes he put his hand on her carton and began to play with her Cameo. She got scared and said if he didn't stop she would call the British Console, and they would Export him. But he displayed his King Size Cork Tip and she shouted "Mark Ten". If she doesn't look like a Camel in nine months, it will be a Lucky Strike for the Players.
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
GOLFER HUMOR
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."
 

mmisk

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
558
Location
Ottawa, Canada
WHY BEER IS BETTER THEN WOMEN


1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DONT HAVE TO WINE AND DINE A BEER.
4. A BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY A SPORT.
4. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
8. A BEER DOESEN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
9. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. AFTER YOU HAVE A BEER, THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH A DIME.
12. A BEER WONT GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH BEER ON YOUR BREATH.
13. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT,YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
14. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THEN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
17. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOUR THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
18. A BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
19. A BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.
20. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
21. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
22. YOU DONT HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
 
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