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Everything else - Wow, you made it this far and still not sure? Oh well, post it here anyway

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  #541 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2012, 11:20 AM
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Dear Forum Member:

Since there are no blonds in the Legal Department, that genre of humor is allowed.

Carry On!
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Old 09-23-2012, 12:41 PM
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What if she's a blonde lawyer?
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Old 09-23-2012, 2:10 PM
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Blonde lawyer? Wouldn't that be an oxymoron?
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Old 09-23-2012, 2:44 PM
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Yes, she's probably a moron, too. (Don't know about her weight, though.)
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Old 09-23-2012, 5:33 PM
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So, a moron walks into a bar....
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Old 09-23-2012, 8:18 PM
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Wirelessly posted (Mozilla/5.0 (BlackBerry; U; BlackBerry 9780; en-US) AppleWebKit/534.8+ (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/6.0.0.600 Mobile Safari/534.8+)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimru
So, a moron walks into a bar....
Ouch...
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Old 09-23-2012, 9:18 PM
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There are two words in the human vocabulary that a man in the public restroom never ever wants to hear:

Nice Weiner!
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Old 09-24-2012, 9:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by b7spectra View Post
There are two words in the human vocabulary that a man in the public restroom never ever wants to hear:

Nice Weiner!
What if its a unisex restroom?
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Old 09-24-2012, 11:23 AM
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Or when you go to a rock concert, and the women's restroom line is too long, so they start coming into the men's room. Then they walk past you while you're standing at the urinal and say stuff like,
"Did you see how LONG that was?"
"Omigod, I've never seen one like it!"
"Yeah, with all the twists and turns, if I had to be on the end of that, I think I'd burst before it was over."
"Totally. And looking at it from here, you have no idea how deep it goes."
"I know, I know... I would like to have seen it moving, even just a little. I can imagine one gal holding up the whole thing, and putting on lipstick."
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:28 PM
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Default Stock Market Report

Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up.Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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Old 10-01-2012, 2:46 PM
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
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Old 10-02-2012, 2:27 PM
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John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side
of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
>
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was
so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped.
>
> John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it,
got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind
the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked
at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray,
begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with
terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.
>
> Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear
down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had.
>
> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... And wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people
walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and
out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other....
>
> Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it!!!!'
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  #553 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2012, 2:18 PM
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'

The nun fainted !
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  #554 (permalink)  
Old 10-05-2012, 5:13 PM
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Old 10-06-2012, 9:54 AM
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Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his
parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping
with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be
maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not
capable of beating anyone
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  #556 (permalink)  
Old 10-06-2012, 3:01 PM
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Default Ooooh, thank you Russell

for sharing a great one! Feeling down till read the child abused being given to the Red Sox. I'm still laughing MAO...
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Old 10-06-2012, 5:07 PM
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You're welcome rafdav. I do what I can. I crack up every time I read it too.


Russell
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:56 PM
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Cool

Charlie was 85 and a widower but still very sprightly.

This particular day he decided to go out, so he put on his finest woolen pants and jacket, a freshly pressed shirt, suspenders, bowtie and spit-shined shoes. He left his house, strolled on down the lane to the local hot spot, stepped inside the darkened bar, and looked around the room very slowly and intently.

Then Charlie sashayed on up to the bar next to a sweet young thing who couldn't have been a day over 75 and said, "Hey there, Sweetie, do I come here often?"
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Old 10-07-2012, 1:35 AM
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An elderly Canadian gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French customs
he fumbled for his passport. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been
to France before. "Then, you should know enough to have your passport ready
for inspection," snapped the irate official.

The Canadian said, "The last time I came to France I didn't have to show my
passport."

"Impossible, old man. You Canadians always have to show your passports on
arrival in France!"

The old Canadian gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then, with the feel of
acid on his words, calmly stated, "I assure you, young man, that when I came
ashore on Juno Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there wasn't a f*ckin'
Frenchman anywhere to be seen on that beach asking me for my passport."
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Old 10-07-2012, 1:38 AM
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Default Snappy Answers

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub."


Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."


Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


Snappy Answer #5 (old)

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class
of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you
not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's
it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room
raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does
its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."


Can't get enough? Encore answer:

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a
whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight
attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in
disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor
touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back
to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
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