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Everything else - Wow, you made it this far and still not sure? Oh well, post it here anyway

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Old 01-08-2011, 11:34 AM
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Default Jokes - CLEAN ONLY

The three CEO'S of Budweiser,Miller, and Coors all sit down to have lunch. Each of them of course orders their repspected beers. After a while the CEO of Guiness walks in to have lunch with them.He said to waitress since they're not drinking I'll have a Guiness.
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:50 PM
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Talking

a set of jumper cable's walk's into a bar. the bartender take's one look,and say's "o.k. i'll serve you,just don't start anything".
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Old 01-09-2011, 5:53 AM
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A brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know it you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word Comfortable?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...........com-for-da-bull
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Old 01-09-2011, 8:54 PM
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As a die hard Florida Gator, I can take shots at my own team:

Why do seagulls fly upside down over Gainesville? Nothing worth crapping on!

But, I despise the bulldogs so:

As a Gator, I always cheer on Georgia. Why everytime the Georgia cheerleaders take the field, we all stand up and yell "How 'bout dem dogs!"
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Old 01-10-2011, 4:45 AM
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A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:07 AM
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

“Buffalo come,” Tonto says.

“How do you know that?” asks the Lone Ranger.

“Ear sticky.”
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:14 AM
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A trick 'r treater rings the door bell. The lady says, "oh, how cute a pirate." and the lady asks, "where are your buccaneers?" The little kid responds, "under my buccaning-hat."
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Old 01-10-2011, 5:05 PM
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A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says: "Hey pal, why the long face"?
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Old 01-10-2011, 5:36 PM
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Where does the Golden Gate Bridge lead to?

From Reality to Fairy Land.
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Old 01-10-2011, 5:38 PM
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Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping. Lone Ranger looks up and says "Tonto, look up and what do you see". Tonto says "I see the heavens above us, where the stars form figures, where the great God in the sky lives. What do you see Kimosabe?" Lone Ranger says "I see that someone stole our tent!"
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:03 PM
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how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?.

only 2. don't ask me how they got in there though.
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Old 01-26-2011, 5:05 PM
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Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...
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Old 01-26-2011, 6:59 PM
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a skeleton walk's into a bar. he say's to the bartender " give me a beer and a mop ".
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Old 01-26-2011, 9:40 PM
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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:22 AM
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Love that. That is hilarious.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:36 AM
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A blonde lady answers an ad in a paper about a porch that needs painting. She then goes to the persons house. The man hires her and gives her all the painting supplies. To his amazement the the blonde lady tells the man she is done. The man looks at his porch and notices that it has not been painted. He points this out to the blonde lady. The blond replies shows you how much you know it's a porsche.
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Old 01-30-2011, 8:15 PM
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My friend Joe was working late and asked his Blonde girl friend to take the new boat to the marina and put it in the water he would be there in a little while.

She is new to boating, but managed to get the boat into the water fine. She then starts it up Ok, that was easy. However when she attempts to drive it, It’s very sluggish. No matter how hard she tries, she couldn't get the new 22foot boat, going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she managed to get to a nearby dock, thinking someone there may be able to tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine runs fine, out-drive went up and down fine, the propeller was the correct size and pitch, everything looks fine.

Finally, one of the guys who were checking it out decided to jump in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. When he caught his breath he said, “The trailer is still attached to the boat!”
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Old 01-31-2011, 1:42 PM
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I just new it had to be the trailer.
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Old 01-31-2011, 3:06 PM
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's
what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
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Old 01-31-2011, 9:53 PM
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Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.' Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Airforce One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's shoes. Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset! Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!'
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