Humorous Transmissions (Aircraft)

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jsoergel

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I know there is probably a thread somewhere in the Tavern somewhere about funny things heard while listening, but I was hoping to find one dedicated solely to aircraft monitoring. There is one that I recall more than anything else, especially since I was planespotting and watched it happen (3/3/2009).


A 445th AW (C-5A) crew was shooting approaches at Wright-Patterson. The aircraft was 70-0448 and the callsign was RHINO xx (I do not have the number recorded in my logs). They made a tactical spiraling approach to 5L and just as they lifted back off the runway, I heard this transmission:


RHINO xx: "Uh, Tower, RHINO xx...I think we just solved that groundhog problem. You might want to have someone check 5L right around taxiway Charlie."

Patterson Tower: "RHINO xx, did you hit the groundhog?"

RHINO xx: "Well, he had a 1-in-28 chance [referring to the number of wheels]. I think we had the advantage."


The best part was that SPAR 11 (C-40C, 05-4613) had just picked up an eight-person inspection crew after completing an Operational Readiness Inspection of the 445th AW. They taxied out to 5L, but they crew on the runway was taking a long time to clean up the mess. After a good fifteen minutes of waiting, the tower finally asked if they could depart 5R, which they did. It's a good thing their inspection was already finished!

Please, if anyone else has funny stories, share them!
 
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JamesPrine

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I remember an amusing bit of traffic some years back at Lakefront Airport in New Orleans. We were on a surveillance assignment and in that capacity monitored all the airport radio traffic as part of our duties. The Tower had shut down at midnight as usual and a short time later, an incoming aircraft announced to all Lakefront traffic that it was landing on Runway 18-Right, and it did just that.

We watched as the aircraft made its way past us on Taxiway Charlie, and for some reason, some off-duty Tower worker came up on the ground control frequency and asked if he could help.

The pilot snapped off a curt "Negative" and continued on his way.

Moments later, the Tower guy came on again: "Unknown aircraft on Taxiway Charlie, what is your N-number and type of aircraft?"

The pilot remained silent.

The man in the Tower persisted: "Unknown aircraft on Taxiway Charlie, say type aircraft."

Again, the pilot remained silent. We could sense rather than see the Tower guy peering down at the unknown airplane with his binoculars.

Suddenly, the radio crackled to life: "Aircraft on Charlie, what is that thing hanging under your wing?"

Finally, the pilot responded, with a little tone of exasperation in his voice, "It's a heat sensor."

We listened intently as the Tower guy finally transmitted: "A heat sensor? What does it do?"

After a long pause, the pilot came on and replied, "It's a heat sensor, and it senses heat."

At this point we were laughing our behinds off, because it was pretty obvious by now that the pilot was working for one of Uncle Sugar's more discreet outfits and he wasn't going to be all that talkative with the Tower operator

Things grew quiet, and suddenly the radio crackled: "Unknown aircraft on Charlie, state destination and nature of business."

The reply was swift and absolutely humorless: "Tower personnel, stand by for a telephone call from my supervisor."

We never heard anything else on the radio after that, and went back to our own business, but we were amused by this little exchange and sometimes we still use the pilot's words: "It's a heat sensor, and it senses heat."

LOL
 

k9rzz

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I just got this in an email yesterday:

Subj: Exchanges between pilots and control tower


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"


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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."


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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San José Tower noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:”Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


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While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727...
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?"
 

WouffHong

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Air Traffic Messages

I catch quite a few up here in North GA, but haven't recorded them - Probably I should as i run http://a2g.net (Air-to-Ground net) where I have a collection of audio files in the library section.

If y'all have any Air Traffic ones I can add - (with or without "credit" and link to your site - your choice), please send them to me at spacecon {AT} yahoo.com

Let me know if you want anything in the comment section

Wouff
 

jsoergel

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The Angel Fire testing at Wright-Patterson gets humorous, especially when the crews are flying for hours on end. The ground monitors have a computer with funny sound clips that they play from time to time...tonight alone I've heard Top Gun and Herbert the Pervert (from Family Guy). The pilots are also pretty funny with their responses!
 

zz0468

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This takes place years ago (late 70's) when I was riding along with a pilot who had a newly minted multi-engine rating. We went into Santa Barbara, mostly because we could. When it was time to leave, the PIC started the left engine with no problem, but was having difficulty starting the right...

Ground control: Cessna 310 Mike Mike, ground, having a little trouble there?

310MM : Ah, ground, zero-mike mike, yeah, #2 doesn't seem to want to start.

Ground control: Roger... I hate when that happens.

(more engine cranking)

Ground control: Ah, Cessna zero-mike-mike, ground, I have a Pinto here at the tower I'm trying to get rid of. If you need to get home, I'll sell it to you cheap.

(engine starts)

310MM: Right. Thanks. We got it. It helps if you turn on the mag. We're ready, gonna want a left crosswind departure. We have information kilo.

Ground control: Good job there, Ace. Taxi runway 1-5 left. Contact the tower when you're ready. You guys gonna need the equipment?

310MM: Naw, I flew it in here. I'm gonna fly it out.

(after our run up)

310MM: Santa Barbara tower, 3-10-mike-mike is ready to go.

Tower: (same controller) You sure you don't want that Pinto?

310MM: I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Tower: Roger. 3-10 Micky Mouse, you're cleared for immediate takeoff. Have a good flight.
 
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b7spectra

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Heard this one a while back:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute ‘heads up’ if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai:

The conversation went like this…

Iranian Air Defense Radar: ‘Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’

Air Defense Radar: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send ‘em up, I’ll wait!’

Air Defense Radar: Absolute silence
 

poltergeisty

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While I was listening to recorded audio from the Northwest flight that over flew KMSP I heard a pilot check in, "Here I come!" few moments latter a response, "Good for you!" :lol:


What's going on over ZMP!
 

poltergeisty

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Heard this one a while back:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute ‘heads up’ if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai:

The conversation went like this…

Iranian Air Defense Radar: ‘Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’

Air Defense Radar: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send ‘em up, I’ll wait!’

Air Defense Radar: Absolute silence





A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San José Tower noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
San Jose??? They can do this in San Diego! :lol:
 
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kb2vxa

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Now I've got Dion Warwick singing in my head!

Do you know the way to San Jose?
I've been away so long I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose......

I've got lots of friends in San Jose,
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Can't wait to get back to San Jose.
 
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