Baofeng uv-5x3 listen on transmit and receive frequencies for repeaters?

[nd5y]

AND I STILL CANT WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND THE LOUSY OFFSETS AND THE TONES For EVEN USING CHIRP OR PROGRAMMING BY HAND

Read these.
Offset - The RadioReference Wiki

Continuous Tone-Coded Squelch System - The RadioReference Wiki

DCS - The RadioReference Wiki

UV-5R Menus vs CHIRP Settings

http://www.miklor.com/uv5r/